Last anniversary post

I know it's a little late getting it up here, but here is my last anniversary post. It's short, but sweet.
The first week we were married was so fun. Just the newness of it. Every night, for the first couple of weeks, BJ tickled me all the way to sleep. Really. Every single night. I remember thinking, "Hey, I could get used to this!" It was so sweet. He even told me that one of those nights, he was just looking at me after I'd fallen asleep and started the cry thinking of how much he loved me. That's the only time he's ever admitted something like that, and he'll probably kill me for posting it here, but it's one of my favorite memories, so here it shall stay.

(Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I cried because of my love for him--I'd have a lot of nickels. Just imagine how many more nickels I would have because I cry about how much I love my kids, too! Geez, that's a lot of nickels!)

Ambition

A couple of my favorite things about BJ is his incredible ambition and his self confidence. His ability to not only see his goals, but to really pull through and achieve them. He takes most things that people "dream" of doing. For instance, some might look at being a cop or a helicopter pilot and say, "Yeah, that would be cool, but, oh well. I could never do that." BJ is not like that. He looks at something that is so incredibly intimidating and studies it, figures it out, investigates it, and finds solutions to enable him to do what it takes to achieve his dreams or goals. He is by no means, a naysayer. He doesn't make excuses. He doesn't talk down on himself and recognizes the danger in it. He feels good about himself, likes to be comfortable and takes pride in his appearance and all things that surround him. He likes to look good, look and be professional, and he holds himself and speaks with confidence. He also ALWAYS sees things through. He is not a quiter. I admire these things in him so much, every day I marvel at him and wonder how to do that for myself. "[He] makes me want to be a better [woman]."-Jack Nicholson, As Good As It Gets

The "L" word

More "firsts". That is such a weird word... anyway, BJ and I were sitting on the couch in the dark (Do not try this at home single kids!), just talking--really. This was about a month or so after the trampoline (BJ confirmed it was, in fact, a trampoline we were laying on). He was holding my hand and started with that dreadful phrase, "I feel like we need to talk..." or something to that effect. Then he went on to again state that he had enjoyed our friendship and dating, that he thought I was an awesome girl--maybe I was weird, but that sounded like break up lingo to me--but then he got really nervous and jittery, a little shakey (if you know my husband, you know he is NOT like that. EVER.), and he said, "I really like you. In fact, I think I more than like you. I think that maybe... I love you." And again, he said it very matter-of-factly expecting no response. I DIDN'T EVEN SAY IT BACK! I just sat there like an idiot. In my mind I was thinking, "Do I really love this guy? Am I in love? How am I supposed to know these things?"

So, I started thinking of this thought I'd had a few years before this incident. About how much I love Christmas because it just leaves me with such a peaceful and loving and excited feeling. I told my teenage self, then, that when the right guy came along, he would make me feel like Christmas. I ended up staying the night at a friends house after this night and went to his house early the next morning. We were caravanning to some destination in Logan for some odd reason and he pulled over in front of the LTD station and waited for me to drive up. We finished up whatever errand we were doing and then I said that I'd see him later. Then he mouthed "I love you" as he was pulling away... and I felt like CHRISTMAS! I couldn't believe it.

So, over the next few weeks, I started thinking about how I felt when I was away from him, how I felt when I was with him, my instant reactions when we were together or saying goodbye, etc. Then I started to realize that I was actually falling in love with this guy. Whenever we were on the phone it was a natural thing for me to want to say, "Love you, Bye." and little things like that. I always always caught myself before actually slipping it out there because I just wasn't sure I was ready for the "L" word. I'd never dated anyone that I was comfortable telling that to. It was not something I threw around out there lightly.

Well, this one day he sent me a dozen roses at work, "Just because", and I loved it. I knew this was totally out of character for him and found out later it was inspired by a similar gesture made by his brother to his fiance'. She and I were talking about it at BJ's house and BJ came around the corner talking to Matt and I slugged BJ and said, "I love you!" and instantly cowered and thought, "Oh my gosh! Did I just say that out loud!?" Then I tried to hurry and change the subject hoping against hope he hadn't heard me. He didn't bat an eye. Didn't even flinch.

Then about a week later we were driving passed the temple (He lived right next to it), when he looked at me and said, "Sooo... you said something pre-tty significant to me the other day and I didn't even realize it." I knew exactly what he was talking about, but I still tried to feign my innocence. He said all cute and precotious-like, "Do you remember?" and I went red as a beet as I said, "YES! OKAY! I remember!" Then he just chuckled and took my hand and said, "Did you mean it?" I said, "Yes." Then he said, "Well, I love you, too." and it was over.

Back to the rememories! Sorry I won't be catching up with the missed entries. I'd be lying if I promised that, and I can't bring myself to do that. ;)

BJ and I are a blind date success story. It all started when I worked at Information Alliance and met Spencer Bushell (One of BJ's best buddies). Long story short, he introduced me to Ashley, who also worked there, who he ended up dating and then they broke up (And later, marrying). Right when they broke up, I had a break up of my own. I ran into Ashley just around the time all of these break ups were happening and we decided to start hanging out more. Little did we know we were starting an awesome best-friendship (Seriously, She is like a sister to me--which means a lot coming from me). One day, we went to a devotional at the USU spectrum. While we were there, Ashley saw a bunch of Spencer's friends and tried to point them out to me. I saw who they were, saw that one was actually a casual acquaintence of mine (Rich--also one of BJ's best buddies, whom I'd known for about 2 years at this point), and was surprised that I had never figured this out after being friends with Spence for somewhere around a year. BJ was also among them, though I don't remember seeing him at all. So, Ashley had the gears in her head turning and, I guess had told BJ about me. She pointed me out to him while I ran off to find someone. She asked him if she should set us up and he said absolulely yes he would like that. So she told me I should meet BJ, thought we'd be really good friends and wanted to set us up on a date. I told her I would, though I was totally not looking for a dating relationship right then. That was fine because she really thought that we'd just be good friends.

I actually remember this one time, at my house, Ashley was just there hanging out with me when BJ called her for something and after they finished their business she told him I was there and asked if he would like to talk to me. I was instantly nervous. She handed the phone to me and I heard his voice for the first time. I remember thinking he sounded really cute and was trying to picture in my head what he looked like. Our conversation was really short, he told me he was looking forward to meeting me on our date and we said goodbye. It was crazy awkward scary, but fun, and I was impressed by his casual nature and the way he easily had control of the conversation. Something I've really come to admire about him... a LOT.

So, we went on a date. I remember specifically that I wore barely any make-up, a ponytail, a baseball hat, my roommates holey jeans, a regular t-shirt and some sneakers. I was specifically trying not to dress up super cute. I walked in and met BJ, talked to the other boys, all of which I knew through random and various things. Seriously, it was a little creepy. BJ made us grilled cheese sandwhiches and we watched Willow. Then we went to a park to play games. We shared a car (The same car we drive now, actually) with Rich and his date. We were waiting at the park in awkward silence. Rich was trying to keep the conversation going because that's just how he is, but the awkwardness kept creeping in. So, I glanced around the car looking for something to do, maybe to help us get to know eachother better and the only thing I really saw was a small Quad lying in the center console of the car. So I picked them up and said, "Let's see who's more spiritual." BJ and Rich thrive on this "I know more scriptures and facts than you do" thing with each other. Even still, they do random trivia's every few years with eachother over email or FB. It's hilarious, actually because they both are hilarious. So, that was the absolute ice breaker in the car. We had some good laughs and the start of some interesting ideas and conversation, then we played night games with the other couples for a bit and then called it a night. I may be remembering some facts a little off, but anyway. That was our first date. I believe he gave me a hug before I left, and I wondered if he would want to go out again. I hoped that he would call or that the guys would at least invite me along next time they did something because I really enjoyed hanging out with them. The Beginning. (As opposed to "the end")

Whoops.

I have been a little incapacitated for the last few days and therefore unable to continue my memory of the day. So, today, I will share a new memory about this weekend about my wonderful husband. Let's make some lemonade of some of my lemons.

Thursday morning I woke up after a night of worrying about some nerve pain I had in my hips and back. I felt pretty good and told BJ I thought I'd be okay for the day. We went into the kitchen to get some breakfast ready for the kids. I was emptying the dishwasher when I bent over to pick up a measuring cup. As soon as I reached for it my back siezed and I was in more pain than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm not kidding you it was way worse than having a baby. BJ dropped everything and came to my aide. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't catch my breath. BJ slowly and tenderly helped me into the front room where he helped me lay down on the floor to put my feet up and my back flat (this took about 15 to 20 minutes because I literally was paralyzed with pain). He was instantly on the phone with my chiropractor retelling the story and asking what he needed to do for me. He got me to the car, got the kids in the car and we went. I was a little better afterwards. Slightly. BJ helped me back into the house and layed me down to rest with my feet up. I asked him for help to the bathroom and when he tried to help me up, I collapsed on him in even more pain than I had been in that morning. Somehow he got me to the couch and had me lay there while he called everyone he needed to, last of which was dispatch to see if I could get an ambulance to take me to the ER at Davis Hospital (We don't have the greatest confidence in Lakeview--BJ's had a lot of experience there). Soon there was an ambulance in my front yard and I was watching my husband take my picture as I was being loaded into the back.

Needless to say it was quite an eventful day. BJ was fabulous and I was in loving awe at how smoothly he made everything flow. He just took care of everything. He helped the kids feel better (they were pretty scared), and he took over the rest of the basic wifely/motherly duties and contacted his professor to tell him he wouldn't be at class that night. He even made a fabulous dinner FROM SCRATCH!!! He has never ever ever done that since I've known him. He's come up with some... interesting... concoctions, but this was a gourmet meal. I was very impressed. I felt so bad that I just wanted to vomit (and did for 2 days) because of the oxycodone in my system. He's been so sweet to me through this whole ordeal and I wish I was all dolled up and pretty so I could reward him with my beauty,;) but... it's not to be, at least for now. I'm working on it.

I think we're more than friends...

There was this one time BJ and I were in my parent's backyard laying on the trampoline--I think... it could have been a blanket on the ground. Anyway, we were laying there talking and looking at the stars that are so incredibly bright up there in the middle of nowhere (I'm talking about my good 'ol hometown, Lewiston, Utah). Somehow we started having a bit of a "DTR" and BJ said he was so glad he'd had the opportunity to get to know me better. I was thinking, "Uh, oh. Is he going to break up with me?" But then he said, "I really like you. I'm starting to think I more than like you." and it ended there. I loved how he said it because he wasn't looking for a response, he just let me digest it. He's always been good at that, too. Giving me my space when I need it. He's not a showy person, not too analytical, he's just down to Earth and real, so confident, no expectations. These were all the thoughts that ran through my mind at the time, and some of the things that make me admire him.

Hand holding

Today I decided to share a memory. This is fun! It makes me want to take a trip up to Logan with him and take a trip down memory lane. He did that once as a surprise by the way...
Anyway, here goes: I had a lot of reservations about our relationship because I was always questioning myself, but I wish I'd just taken more time to relish in the love that was blossoming. We'd go for walks all of the time between mine and Ashley's house (she lived a few block away from me in Logan). Every single time we took a stroll, he'd come up with some crazy thing to do. He's always been good at that kind of thing. So anyway, this memory isn't really like that, it just made me think of some of those funny things. The first time he held my hand in public when we were still pretty fresh in our dating relationship. BJ was super nervous and I was nervous because I still wasn't sure I wanted to announce to the world that we were a couple. But I let him take my hand on one of our walks. I remember how we were just walking together like buddies, but then he reached down to take it and the gesture made me all quivery and I felt my heart jump-start a little bit. We walked over to Adam's Park in Logan where we had planned to meet our friends, Spencer and Ashley (maybe Rich, too with a date). I was so nervous anticipating everyone's reaction because BJ hadn't ever had a girlfriend before. This was kind of a big deal to everyone. We built a fire in one of those fireplaces they have there and had some good food and some laughs (always good laughs, even now). BJ was instantly slapped on the back with "oooo's" and "aaaah's" by the boy(s) and Ashley was especially very excited to see us walk up holding hands, since she'd been the one to set us up in the first place. I was pleasantly surprised at how comfortable and excited I was to be a "couple". It makes me smile just thinking of it now. Good times.

The making of memoirs, er, memories.

I decided that every day our blog is dedicated to our anniversary this month (April 24th), I'm going to write something about my wonderful Husband and/or marriage. What better way to celebrate than to remember why we got married in the first place?
This is coming home from his mission in San Diego on April 25, 2002. We went on our first date exactly a year later.

So, "Reason's I love my Stud Hubbin" #1:

BJ loves the gospel, the Savior, the Spirit, and God. He loves to study the gospel. Like, more than anyone I've ever known, with the exception of maybe my Dad. He truly has a "Thirst" for it. It's the number one reason I continued to date him. Like, whenever he sits down to study, he's totally in his zone. He can't get enough of it. I love this about him. I noticed it early on in our relationship. He's like a sponge when it comes to any kind of learning, though gospel and scripture study have always been his favorite. I know without a doubt that he will always be steadfast. His goodness is irresistable to me. I'm so grateful to have such a spiritual leader for our family. How could I resist such a man?

Happy Birthday BJ!!!

I told BJ this morning that he should text his mom and say, "Happy Mother's Day", since he was the first born. 29 years. One more year of "I'm still young, I'm in my 20's".
Poor guy is starting to feel it, but he is so awesome! He is the best daddy and the best husband a family could ever ask for. He makes me laugh every day and he is so good to me even when I'm super cranky.
He really is the best match for me. I'm so glad he chose to be mine forever! I'm so proud of everything he's accomplished and will accomplish with his awesome ambition and ability to see things through. He's truly and inspiration to me and truly my hero. I don't know what I'd do without you, babe.
I love you, Benny Boo!

Go Guard

A lot of people have been asking me how I feel about BJ more than likely joining the Army National Guard. So here's the run down. Believe it or not, this novel is the condensed version, but bare with me. :)

BJ has been wanting to be a helicopter pilot for quite a few years now. It's an idea he's more toyed around with than anything until the last couple of years. We've endlessly prayed about it together and individually and discussed the guts out of it and he's researched it even more than that. We've tried to find any possible way to accomplish this dream of his. I'll spare you all of those details because the bottom line is--There is no way we can afford to do it privately unless we take out a mortgage. However, I promised myself and my family that I would never stand in the way of their dreams, and I would love it if BJ could accomplish this.

Step in Option B--It really seems to be true that "With the Army National Guard, You can." That is the best option on the table right now. BJ used to bring it up half jokingly. Neither one of us took that option seriously until this last year. When he first approached me about it at the end of the summer, I was adamantly against it. I believe my actual words were, "If it is to be, then the Lord will soften my heart." I was not trying to be fascetious in my statement, either. I was completely serious, and I knew in my heart that he would if I was open to his will and the spirit in the matter.

So, I have been praying and praying very very fervently that my will would be one with the Lord's. I did this knowing full well that the Lord would never lead us down a path that was not for our ultimate benefit. Then the miracle of all miracles happened. He softened my heart. I started opening my mind to the idea a little more and a little more. We've weighed and weighed the pros and cons and it really really is the best option. I was still frustrated, though because I wanted a yes or no answer on whether this was the right decision or not. So again, I fervently prayed for about a week that I would have confirmation that I would recognize one way or the other. I needed to feel a very strong confirmation. I wanted to be absolutely sure we were doing the right thing. Then one night I was putting a load of wash in the dryer while I was thinking about the reality of what it would mean for him to join the Guard when it hit me like a nuclear bomb. I felt the peace. It was so strong I had to stop what I was doing. I knew that this was what we are supposed to do. Who am I to dispute the Lord's will?

Now as far as the whole business of my will being one with the Lord's... I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. There is one more thing I haven't mentioned, yet, and that is that the Utah National Guard is going to be deployed in January of 2012 and coming back January 2013. That means he'd be going with them. He just realized the other day that he'd also probably miss Sam coming home from his mission (and we were planning on flying to Vancouver to surprise him when he flew in). I've cried a lot about this whole thing. I hate, I mean absolutely abhore and HATE being away from my husband. He's my rock, my other half. I have no idea how to function without him. This is going to be the hardest thing I think I've ever faced in my life. I keep thinking about not only how much I am going to miss him while he goes off to his trainings let alone a deployment, but how much the kids are going to miss him. They already miss him so much. He can hardly breathe with all the hugs and kisses he receives upon his arrival home. He's going to miss so much of them. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I also cry because he may be leaving for boot camp this summer... right when we were planning on trying for another baby. I was very much looking forward to the healing that would take place with another baby, so this is definately a devastating blow for me. I didn't realize how badly I wanted another baby until I lost it. Oh my gosh! I can't stop crying! Someone turn off the faucet!

I told him my whole peace story and then bawled like a baby after I told him I didn't want him to go, but I was willing to let him. He just held me and told me he was so sorry for adding to any stress that I already have. Geez, I'm bawling like a baby just typing this! It's so true that hardships and trials can bring you so much closer together. That has been so true for us and I'm so grateful, but that makes it even harder for me to let him go. I have always had the utmost respect for military wives and their husbands, but now I just wish I wasn't facing the reality of becoming one. While I sat there and cried to him he told me how interesting it is that so many people in the world and throughout time have felt the same way, the military wives of our countrymen, the wives and families of other countrymen abroad, the women in the Book of Mormon... it really does put things into perspective. I actually said to BJ, "Now I know how Emma Smith felt every time Joseph went to jail."

I am grateful for a few things in this situation, though. I'm so grateful that this reality has brought us closer together. We've been so much more thoughtful of each other and the needs of one another, especially BJ. He's been fabulous. He actually came home one day and said, "with all of this business with me chasing my dreams and preparing for our future, I recognize that you are going to be the one at home, working hard while the opportunity for you to do the same things slips a little farther and farther away. I want you to be able to chase your dreams, too, and I'll do everything in my power to make that happen." I was just so touched that he even thought of it. We've had more heart to heart conversations this last 6 months than we have our whole marriage, I think. We've had a lot going on, so I guess that helps it along.

Anyway, if you're wondering if we've taken everything into consideration, odds are that we have. This may still not happen. Among other things, he still has to take the ASVAB and the other test to get into Flight School and get two physical evaluations done. There is a fair chance he may not pass. If he can't be a pilot, he's not going to do it. So, there you have it. That's the biggest happenings in our lives right now.

Snow Storm

Okay this was forever ago, but I still wanted to get up the pics. BJ and I had to buy a few things when we moved into this house, namely a lawn mower and a weed wacker.
Our weed wacker is one that you can get several attachments for and we decided to get a leaf blower with it. They told us that it also worked really well for snow.
So, here are some pictures of my adorable husband "snow blowing" with the leaf blower. It really does do a fair job, although he said he'd rather shovel first and then blow the rest off. If we did that, it worked great.
Now, why didn't we get our cement clear this year? I would totally do it if I had someone to stay inside with the kids, and BJ works literally around the clock. We honestly just couldn't get to it. So, here is the one and probably only proof that we really did try.

It worked great getting the snow off of the car.

I was surprised to see how well it cleared the cement, too. I believe it was a worthy purchase.

C.O.P.S. see link in right hand bar

The blue line represents law enforcement who protect this nation daily. The black background was designed as a constant reminder of our fallen officers.


The anniversary of Charles Skinner's death weighed heavily on the minds of those who served with him and with those of us you stand behind them. Shortly after that mark the law enforcement community as a whole has taken some blows in the last month. If you click on the link for the "Officer Down Memorial Page" there on the right, you will see them listed with the story of how they died and who they left behind. There is also a place to leave and view a reflection if you wish.

First of all in Seattle Officer Timothy Brenton was brutally murdered after a traffic stop. He was training another officer and was evaluating the traffic stop when the trainee "sensed" danger and screamed for him to get down. It was too late, and probably wouldn't have made a difference. A car pulled up next to the cruiser and fired multiple shot gun rounds into the vehicle killing officer Brenton instantly. One of the rounds went through the vest of the trainee wounding her in the back. She was able to fire back, but was unsure if she was able to hit the suspect. He is survived by his wife and 2 children, 11 and 8 years old. They have a suspect in custody.

Second heartbreak. In Las Vegas, Nevada, Officer Trevor Nettleton came home from duty. He was working in his garage when some gang members entered his garage and confronted him. They exchanged fire. He was able to wound one of them before he died and they caught them at the hospital when they sought medical attention. He was a Marine Corps Veteran and is survived by his wife, 2 year old son and 2 month old daughter, his parents, and a brother who is serving in Iraq.

3rd and most gruesome, I'm sure you've all heard of the 4 officers who were murdered in a small town outside of Tacoma, WA in a coffee shop. The suspect walked up to the counter, turned around and opened fire on four officers who were briefing each other and working on their laptops. Officer Ronald Owens is survived only by his daughter, Officer Tina Griswold was survived by her husband and 2 children, Officer Greg Richards is survived by his wife and 3 children, and Sergeant Mark Renniger is survived by his wife and 3 children. After a 2 day manhunt they were able to catch up to the murderer who was shot and killed during the encounter.

This chain of events understandable gives me great anxiety. I am not grieving as bad as I was with Charlie, but my heart sincerely goes out to these families. I keep imagining what it was like for these families when their home was approached by a uniformed officer to tell them the news. My big fear is that this will create copy cats. Officers are more on their guard than they have been in the past. They are watching each other more closely as well as themselves. I'm so grateful for that true "Brotherhood".

I changed my background to incorporate blue to show my support for fallen police officers as well as those who serve every day. You'll notice that the Christmas tree has a few blue ribbons on it. I'm deeming them in honor of police everywhere.