Whoops.

I have been a little incapacitated for the last few days and therefore unable to continue my memory of the day. So, today, I will share a new memory about this weekend about my wonderful husband. Let's make some lemonade of some of my lemons.

Thursday morning I woke up after a night of worrying about some nerve pain I had in my hips and back. I felt pretty good and told BJ I thought I'd be okay for the day. We went into the kitchen to get some breakfast ready for the kids. I was emptying the dishwasher when I bent over to pick up a measuring cup. As soon as I reached for it my back siezed and I was in more pain than I've ever been in my entire life. I'm not kidding you it was way worse than having a baby. BJ dropped everything and came to my aide. Tears were streaming down my face and I couldn't catch my breath. BJ slowly and tenderly helped me into the front room where he helped me lay down on the floor to put my feet up and my back flat (this took about 15 to 20 minutes because I literally was paralyzed with pain). He was instantly on the phone with my chiropractor retelling the story and asking what he needed to do for me. He got me to the car, got the kids in the car and we went. I was a little better afterwards. Slightly. BJ helped me back into the house and layed me down to rest with my feet up. I asked him for help to the bathroom and when he tried to help me up, I collapsed on him in even more pain than I had been in that morning. Somehow he got me to the couch and had me lay there while he called everyone he needed to, last of which was dispatch to see if I could get an ambulance to take me to the ER at Davis Hospital (We don't have the greatest confidence in Lakeview--BJ's had a lot of experience there). Soon there was an ambulance in my front yard and I was watching my husband take my picture as I was being loaded into the back.

Needless to say it was quite an eventful day. BJ was fabulous and I was in loving awe at how smoothly he made everything flow. He just took care of everything. He helped the kids feel better (they were pretty scared), and he took over the rest of the basic wifely/motherly duties and contacted his professor to tell him he wouldn't be at class that night. He even made a fabulous dinner FROM SCRATCH!!! He has never ever ever done that since I've known him. He's come up with some... interesting... concoctions, but this was a gourmet meal. I was very impressed. I felt so bad that I just wanted to vomit (and did for 2 days) because of the oxycodone in my system. He's been so sweet to me through this whole ordeal and I wish I was all dolled up and pretty so I could reward him with my beauty,;) but... it's not to be, at least for now. I'm working on it.

Bedtime Bliss

Today was the most great terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Uppity up/Downity down

Reader's discretion is advised.


I don't know what it is lately, but I've been such a downer. I can't seem to love myself enough. So many different thoughts run through my head that are probably ridiculous, but they seem completely logical to me. Maybe it's because I'm so stressed out lately because of everything that's going on. I can't bring myself to be happy for people. It's so weird. Like I find out a friend is having a baby and my instant reaction is, "ugh." and I want to roll my eyes (is this the miscarriage talking?) Same thing when I found out someone was getting married. Like I want to say, "Big whoop." Everyone is sending their congratulations and I have absolute zero desire to be a part of that. That is so not me. I'm usually right in there, patting you on the back with my excitement and enthusiasm skyrocketing and my congratulations are sincere and heartfelt. Of course this is mostly on facebook and I can't even bring myself to type a lie. So I don't, or I do and then I feel dirty, because I don't really care at all, or maybe for some reason I'm mad at them for being happy right now. I don't think I've ever felt this way ever in my whole life. Maybe I did in college(yeah probably--I really really really hated my college years). What is wrong with me? I need to snap out of this.

Thank you, B.F. Skinner (and my college education)

You know those days when you just get fed up with repeating yourself a million times? This is now my daily life. I'm trying really hard to focus on the cute nature of my children now and relishing it, rather than living in my emotions. I miss those days when Livi was so little and cute and realize that I will miss these days, too, once they are long gone.

So, in practicing this, I've learned a few things. I really am more patient and find myself in more control of my emotions as these stressful situations arise, you know those situations where you talk yourself blue in the face over the dumbest thing (eg. "put the animals away, please.") and end up getting so extremely frustrated and irritated so your voice gets increasingly louder... at least I hope you know. I've had a few instances with Olivia where I've raised my voice a little--okay, a LOT, to increase the harshness of the "mommy voice". Usually when I get to that point I'm just so mad I'm just seeing red. Lately, I check myself and realize that I'm in total control of my emotions. I also get better results.

Example:
Tonight I was putting the kids to bed. I really wanted to get them to bed as quickly as possible because BJ was sick and coming home from work early. I walked in to Olivia's room to find that she'd completely emptied her dresser in a giant pile on the floor and that the drawers (very light weight), were scattered around the room. I also saw the puzzles all over the floor and her dolls from her doll house lined up in front of the closet. I calmly asked her why she took out the clothes that I'd worked so hard organizing. She replied, "I'm being like mommy, I'm doing the laundry." I told her that sounded like a lot of fun and was a good thing to practice, but we need to try to keep things nice and organized when they are clean because mommy works very hard to keep the house nice and tidy (yeeah right, tidy, that's what we'll call it).
I decided to ignore the dollies because she typically likes to pick up where she left off on those. Fine with me. I can live with that. Then the puzzles. I asked her to pick up the puzzles while I got Ethan ready for bed. She did two of them. That's when I went upstairs to get them each a new water sippy cup for bed. When I came back the puzzles were still all over the floor and she was playing with Ethan. I said in a very Mommy voice, "Olivia..." She crept out of Ethan's room with the guiltiest look on her face. I said, "Puzzles. Now." Then the whining started. Oh how I hate, no, LOATHE whining! It's like nails on a chalkboard to me. I raised my voice (I yelled a little, really, it wasn't bad) and told her exactly what I expected of her while I put Ethan to bed (this was punishment enough because there was to be no story tonight for her and she likes to sit quietly in the corner of his room while I pray with him and sing him songs). That's when I checked myself. I actually stopped and thought, "Am I losing it, or am I in control of myself. Much to my surprise, I wasn't really mad at all. I just wanted to get my point across. I hoped she'd be obedient. I heard her moving around the room, but wasn't sure what to expect when I opened the door. A bigger mess? Nope. The puzzles were neatly put together and set aside and she'd tucked herself into bed. She has never done that! I was so excited! I smothered her with kisses and hugs and she hopped out of bed and said her prayers without goofing off (another miraculous thing!!), then hopped back in while I got her water then layed by her to sing songs and give her a light tickle. I love positive reinforcement! Especially when I'm the one being reinforced!

Go Guard

A lot of people have been asking me how I feel about BJ more than likely joining the Army National Guard. So here's the run down. Believe it or not, this novel is the condensed version, but bare with me. :)

BJ has been wanting to be a helicopter pilot for quite a few years now. It's an idea he's more toyed around with than anything until the last couple of years. We've endlessly prayed about it together and individually and discussed the guts out of it and he's researched it even more than that. We've tried to find any possible way to accomplish this dream of his. I'll spare you all of those details because the bottom line is--There is no way we can afford to do it privately unless we take out a mortgage. However, I promised myself and my family that I would never stand in the way of their dreams, and I would love it if BJ could accomplish this.

Step in Option B--It really seems to be true that "With the Army National Guard, You can." That is the best option on the table right now. BJ used to bring it up half jokingly. Neither one of us took that option seriously until this last year. When he first approached me about it at the end of the summer, I was adamantly against it. I believe my actual words were, "If it is to be, then the Lord will soften my heart." I was not trying to be fascetious in my statement, either. I was completely serious, and I knew in my heart that he would if I was open to his will and the spirit in the matter.

So, I have been praying and praying very very fervently that my will would be one with the Lord's. I did this knowing full well that the Lord would never lead us down a path that was not for our ultimate benefit. Then the miracle of all miracles happened. He softened my heart. I started opening my mind to the idea a little more and a little more. We've weighed and weighed the pros and cons and it really really is the best option. I was still frustrated, though because I wanted a yes or no answer on whether this was the right decision or not. So again, I fervently prayed for about a week that I would have confirmation that I would recognize one way or the other. I needed to feel a very strong confirmation. I wanted to be absolutely sure we were doing the right thing. Then one night I was putting a load of wash in the dryer while I was thinking about the reality of what it would mean for him to join the Guard when it hit me like a nuclear bomb. I felt the peace. It was so strong I had to stop what I was doing. I knew that this was what we are supposed to do. Who am I to dispute the Lord's will?

Now as far as the whole business of my will being one with the Lord's... I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. There is one more thing I haven't mentioned, yet, and that is that the Utah National Guard is going to be deployed in January of 2012 and coming back January 2013. That means he'd be going with them. He just realized the other day that he'd also probably miss Sam coming home from his mission (and we were planning on flying to Vancouver to surprise him when he flew in). I've cried a lot about this whole thing. I hate, I mean absolutely abhore and HATE being away from my husband. He's my rock, my other half. I have no idea how to function without him. This is going to be the hardest thing I think I've ever faced in my life. I keep thinking about not only how much I am going to miss him while he goes off to his trainings let alone a deployment, but how much the kids are going to miss him. They already miss him so much. He can hardly breathe with all the hugs and kisses he receives upon his arrival home. He's going to miss so much of them. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I also cry because he may be leaving for boot camp this summer... right when we were planning on trying for another baby. I was very much looking forward to the healing that would take place with another baby, so this is definately a devastating blow for me. I didn't realize how badly I wanted another baby until I lost it. Oh my gosh! I can't stop crying! Someone turn off the faucet!

I told him my whole peace story and then bawled like a baby after I told him I didn't want him to go, but I was willing to let him. He just held me and told me he was so sorry for adding to any stress that I already have. Geez, I'm bawling like a baby just typing this! It's so true that hardships and trials can bring you so much closer together. That has been so true for us and I'm so grateful, but that makes it even harder for me to let him go. I have always had the utmost respect for military wives and their husbands, but now I just wish I wasn't facing the reality of becoming one. While I sat there and cried to him he told me how interesting it is that so many people in the world and throughout time have felt the same way, the military wives of our countrymen, the wives and families of other countrymen abroad, the women in the Book of Mormon... it really does put things into perspective. I actually said to BJ, "Now I know how Emma Smith felt every time Joseph went to jail."

I am grateful for a few things in this situation, though. I'm so grateful that this reality has brought us closer together. We've been so much more thoughtful of each other and the needs of one another, especially BJ. He's been fabulous. He actually came home one day and said, "with all of this business with me chasing my dreams and preparing for our future, I recognize that you are going to be the one at home, working hard while the opportunity for you to do the same things slips a little farther and farther away. I want you to be able to chase your dreams, too, and I'll do everything in my power to make that happen." I was just so touched that he even thought of it. We've had more heart to heart conversations this last 6 months than we have our whole marriage, I think. We've had a lot going on, so I guess that helps it along.

Anyway, if you're wondering if we've taken everything into consideration, odds are that we have. This may still not happen. Among other things, he still has to take the ASVAB and the other test to get into Flight School and get two physical evaluations done. There is a fair chance he may not pass. If he can't be a pilot, he's not going to do it. So, there you have it. That's the biggest happenings in our lives right now.

Another anaphylactic reaction

I hope you enjoy the cute pics of Ethan in the hospital. These were all taken just before they released him. I'm not really of a frame of mind to take pics of him when his face is all swollen and he's rashy, etc. If there is a next time (please no!) I will try to take some so you can see how scary it really is.

This time we don't know what caused it. I made some chicken nuggets (homemade) and used a new seasoning that we'd had in the cupboard. I don't know why I didn't throw it out because we'd used it grilling and it probably got cross contaminated with dairy. BJ was home from work for dinner and was just about to head back out when he went to give Ethan a kiss and saw his face and lips were swelling, his chin and cheeks were bright red and he had hives all over.

He called to me asking what I'd put in dinner and I came out of the bathroom with Olivia to see what was going on. His hands were also red, swollen and covered in hives. He was doing okay, so we weren't in panic mode, but I went to get his EpiPen and had BJ hold him down while I stabbed him in the leg with it.

BJ called into work and stayed home with Olivia. I went to the ER down the street and when they got ready to transport us down to primary children's the fire chief came in to see how Ethan was doing. We were in good company. They all knew who we were after the fire chief informed them. One of the guys used to work at NSL with Charlie and quit after he died. Now he's full time fire/paramedic instead of all three. He also enjoys a game of X-Box with BJ most days, (eye's rolling--j/k). It was nice to see that brotherhood in action again. I don't mention it as often as I should, but that brotherhood of law enforcement really does extend to firefighters and paramedics as well. All are considered first responders. Besides our blood family, we couldn't ask for a better second family. :) The nursins staff at Primary's all fell in love with my little guy. He is quite the charmer.

We had him tested with the seasoning at the NAET doc who said that he was allergic to MSG and modified food starch. We'll see how things go. He also told us that Ethan is clear of eggs and we can try to challenge it now. I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm willing to try! We were going to go to the allergist today to see if they could test the seasoning as well, but the snow prevented me from going down there. We'll try to get in next week. This is very exciting, though! We can't imagine life anymore with eggs for breakfast or baking with eggs. This would open up so many possiblities if it works. Keep your fingers crossed and prayers spoken for us!

C.O.P.S. see link in right hand bar

The blue line represents law enforcement who protect this nation daily. The black background was designed as a constant reminder of our fallen officers.


The anniversary of Charles Skinner's death weighed heavily on the minds of those who served with him and with those of us you stand behind them. Shortly after that mark the law enforcement community as a whole has taken some blows in the last month. If you click on the link for the "Officer Down Memorial Page" there on the right, you will see them listed with the story of how they died and who they left behind. There is also a place to leave and view a reflection if you wish.

First of all in Seattle Officer Timothy Brenton was brutally murdered after a traffic stop. He was training another officer and was evaluating the traffic stop when the trainee "sensed" danger and screamed for him to get down. It was too late, and probably wouldn't have made a difference. A car pulled up next to the cruiser and fired multiple shot gun rounds into the vehicle killing officer Brenton instantly. One of the rounds went through the vest of the trainee wounding her in the back. She was able to fire back, but was unsure if she was able to hit the suspect. He is survived by his wife and 2 children, 11 and 8 years old. They have a suspect in custody.

Second heartbreak. In Las Vegas, Nevada, Officer Trevor Nettleton came home from duty. He was working in his garage when some gang members entered his garage and confronted him. They exchanged fire. He was able to wound one of them before he died and they caught them at the hospital when they sought medical attention. He was a Marine Corps Veteran and is survived by his wife, 2 year old son and 2 month old daughter, his parents, and a brother who is serving in Iraq.

3rd and most gruesome, I'm sure you've all heard of the 4 officers who were murdered in a small town outside of Tacoma, WA in a coffee shop. The suspect walked up to the counter, turned around and opened fire on four officers who were briefing each other and working on their laptops. Officer Ronald Owens is survived only by his daughter, Officer Tina Griswold was survived by her husband and 2 children, Officer Greg Richards is survived by his wife and 3 children, and Sergeant Mark Renniger is survived by his wife and 3 children. After a 2 day manhunt they were able to catch up to the murderer who was shot and killed during the encounter.

This chain of events understandable gives me great anxiety. I am not grieving as bad as I was with Charlie, but my heart sincerely goes out to these families. I keep imagining what it was like for these families when their home was approached by a uniformed officer to tell them the news. My big fear is that this will create copy cats. Officers are more on their guard than they have been in the past. They are watching each other more closely as well as themselves. I'm so grateful for that true "Brotherhood".

I changed my background to incorporate blue to show my support for fallen police officers as well as those who serve every day. You'll notice that the Christmas tree has a few blue ribbons on it. I'm deeming them in honor of police everywhere.