Go Guard

A lot of people have been asking me how I feel about BJ more than likely joining the Army National Guard. So here's the run down. Believe it or not, this novel is the condensed version, but bare with me. :)

BJ has been wanting to be a helicopter pilot for quite a few years now. It's an idea he's more toyed around with than anything until the last couple of years. We've endlessly prayed about it together and individually and discussed the guts out of it and he's researched it even more than that. We've tried to find any possible way to accomplish this dream of his. I'll spare you all of those details because the bottom line is--There is no way we can afford to do it privately unless we take out a mortgage. However, I promised myself and my family that I would never stand in the way of their dreams, and I would love it if BJ could accomplish this.

Step in Option B--It really seems to be true that "With the Army National Guard, You can." That is the best option on the table right now. BJ used to bring it up half jokingly. Neither one of us took that option seriously until this last year. When he first approached me about it at the end of the summer, I was adamantly against it. I believe my actual words were, "If it is to be, then the Lord will soften my heart." I was not trying to be fascetious in my statement, either. I was completely serious, and I knew in my heart that he would if I was open to his will and the spirit in the matter.

So, I have been praying and praying very very fervently that my will would be one with the Lord's. I did this knowing full well that the Lord would never lead us down a path that was not for our ultimate benefit. Then the miracle of all miracles happened. He softened my heart. I started opening my mind to the idea a little more and a little more. We've weighed and weighed the pros and cons and it really really is the best option. I was still frustrated, though because I wanted a yes or no answer on whether this was the right decision or not. So again, I fervently prayed for about a week that I would have confirmation that I would recognize one way or the other. I needed to feel a very strong confirmation. I wanted to be absolutely sure we were doing the right thing. Then one night I was putting a load of wash in the dryer while I was thinking about the reality of what it would mean for him to join the Guard when it hit me like a nuclear bomb. I felt the peace. It was so strong I had to stop what I was doing. I knew that this was what we are supposed to do. Who am I to dispute the Lord's will?

Now as far as the whole business of my will being one with the Lord's... I'm not sure I'm quite there yet. There is one more thing I haven't mentioned, yet, and that is that the Utah National Guard is going to be deployed in January of 2012 and coming back January 2013. That means he'd be going with them. He just realized the other day that he'd also probably miss Sam coming home from his mission (and we were planning on flying to Vancouver to surprise him when he flew in). I've cried a lot about this whole thing. I hate, I mean absolutely abhore and HATE being away from my husband. He's my rock, my other half. I have no idea how to function without him. This is going to be the hardest thing I think I've ever faced in my life. I keep thinking about not only how much I am going to miss him while he goes off to his trainings let alone a deployment, but how much the kids are going to miss him. They already miss him so much. He can hardly breathe with all the hugs and kisses he receives upon his arrival home. He's going to miss so much of them. It makes me cry just thinking about it.

I also cry because he may be leaving for boot camp this summer... right when we were planning on trying for another baby. I was very much looking forward to the healing that would take place with another baby, so this is definately a devastating blow for me. I didn't realize how badly I wanted another baby until I lost it. Oh my gosh! I can't stop crying! Someone turn off the faucet!

I told him my whole peace story and then bawled like a baby after I told him I didn't want him to go, but I was willing to let him. He just held me and told me he was so sorry for adding to any stress that I already have. Geez, I'm bawling like a baby just typing this! It's so true that hardships and trials can bring you so much closer together. That has been so true for us and I'm so grateful, but that makes it even harder for me to let him go. I have always had the utmost respect for military wives and their husbands, but now I just wish I wasn't facing the reality of becoming one. While I sat there and cried to him he told me how interesting it is that so many people in the world and throughout time have felt the same way, the military wives of our countrymen, the wives and families of other countrymen abroad, the women in the Book of Mormon... it really does put things into perspective. I actually said to BJ, "Now I know how Emma Smith felt every time Joseph went to jail."

I am grateful for a few things in this situation, though. I'm so grateful that this reality has brought us closer together. We've been so much more thoughtful of each other and the needs of one another, especially BJ. He's been fabulous. He actually came home one day and said, "with all of this business with me chasing my dreams and preparing for our future, I recognize that you are going to be the one at home, working hard while the opportunity for you to do the same things slips a little farther and farther away. I want you to be able to chase your dreams, too, and I'll do everything in my power to make that happen." I was just so touched that he even thought of it. We've had more heart to heart conversations this last 6 months than we have our whole marriage, I think. We've had a lot going on, so I guess that helps it along.

Anyway, if you're wondering if we've taken everything into consideration, odds are that we have. This may still not happen. Among other things, he still has to take the ASVAB and the other test to get into Flight School and get two physical evaluations done. There is a fair chance he may not pass. If he can't be a pilot, he's not going to do it. So, there you have it. That's the biggest happenings in our lives right now.