The big one

(Post written July 2012)

So, I struggle with anxiety now.  Like mega.  It's no secret and I don't really care that it's not because I just try to get through every day as happy as I can and stay close to the spirit.  It really is the only thing I can do to keep myself from going crazy.  And truth be told, if I can be there for my family in the best way possible, that's the most important thing.

Along with this comes nights of complete insomnia and itchiness, aches of every kind, but mostly just feeling like something terrible is going to happen.  The same feeling you get when you watch a scary movie and you get sick to your stomach, or like you're about to go on a super scary ride and you just got into the car and your slowly "click, click, click"ing up the track thinking, "I can't get off now!"

Yeah, times those feelings by about 1,000 and that's what anxiety feels like.  All your fears come crashing in on you and you feel like you want to jump out the window.

So the other night, I had anxiety hit me pretty hard.  We've had a pretty rough couple of weeks as far as stress is concerned.  Nothing really terrible really happened, just lots of stress and lack of sleep.  That's the perfect recipe for anxiety.

I went to bed with my hubby and his mom sent him a text (love you, momma!) asking him if he was alright.  I thought she must have heard about his accident at work (some old guy backed into him while he was driving through a parking lot).  But he said, "I dunno, probably just one of those weird "feelings" women get."  Texted her back, told her he was in bed and he was fine.

I wasn't fine.  He fell asleep and all of the sudden I started thinking. That's the problem with this mental stuff.  I think the heck out of things until I've thought of every scenario and imagined it happening to me or my family.  No wonder I struggle with this.

I thought, "Why did she have a bad feeling?  Was it because something will happen to BJ at work tomorrow?  What if there is a fire.  What if the terrorists attack us again.  What if someone sneaks into our house and steals my babies.  Are all the doors locked?  Are all the windows shut and locked?  Are the kids still in their beds?  Are they still alive in their beds?"  Pause crazy thoughts to think, "Maybe that's a premonition.  I better act on it."  and promptly get up to check on each child.  Make sure they are all warm.  Make sure they are all breathing.  Make sure they all go potty.  Come back to bed, relieved... slightly.

Then the thoughts start again.  "Maybe she had a bad feeling because the earthquake will hit tonight!"  So I started to think about how unprepared we are, and what if the house crumbled, Allie is in another room the kids are down the hall, what if we couldn't get to them... BJ would get called away with the Guard or the Police to go save everyone else in the area and I'll be alone with the kids.  Unprepared.  With food allergies.  And everyone else would be struggling, too.  Not just us.  I can't just run to a neighbor and say, "hey, my house fell down, can I use yours while my husband is off saving the world?"

and I couldn't sleep.

I wish I could say this was the only time I've had a sleepless night like this.  I really do.  It's ridiculous.

But it got me thinking about "The big one".  It really could hit any day.  It could hit as I sit here and type up this blog post.

I need to go shopping.  Yesterday.  And get prepared.  But that's a whole new post for another day.