I wish...

(Post Written August 2012)

I have been feeling like my world is spinning as of late.  I think it has something to do with Olivia going to Kindergarten.  It's got me all sorts of nostalgic and sad.  I MISS MY BABY!  How did 5 1/2 years go by so fast!  I want them back!  I just looked over my blog to show Ethan pictures of himself when he was a cute, ridiculously chunky baby boy.  As I looked over those pictures I was hit with this wave of... I don't know what it's called.  I was sad.  I missed my life back then.  I also noticed how remarkably clean my bathroom was as Livi sat on the potty, and my house had peanut butter cookies in it and I didn't even notice.  I was actually smiling with them in the background... It's hard for me to remember what that was like.

I was looking at my Livi today thinking, "Man, that first year I just cherished and savored each and every moment insomuch that I felt like it would never end."  Now I feel like we've skipped the next 5 years and we are here, she's almost 6 years old, she reads like a 4th grader, and I feel like I need a rewind so I can stop and smell the roses!  Sometimes I wish progression wasn't a part of our existence.  I just want to freeze time and keep my kids little.  I want to go back over the last 3 1/2 years and enjoy it more now that I've figured out how to live a normal life again.

That's just not how it works.  Life is full of trials and hardships and blessings and wonderful memories and weaknesses and strengths.  And though, I look forward to what lies ahead, I look back and wish I could hold it all in my arms and snuggle it forever.  I wish I could rock my baby Livi at night while we listen to her music in that old nursery while I just enjoy the moment.  Not worrying about anything or anyone else.  Just enjoying being a mother to my beautiful baby.  Now life pulls me in every direction and I just wish moments like those were more often within my grasp for each of my children.

I wish I could go back to my chubby little Ebear to enjoy those adorable moments more, instead of the worry and post partum depression.  I wish I could go back and be more patient with my ever sweet Livi Boo in such a time of stress and trial (Food allergies changed everything when she was 2) and worry.  I wish I could play with him every day like we used to.  I wish I could see his charming mischievous grin more often, which has been clouded with fear and anxiety.

I wish anaphylaxis wasn't a part of my daily vocabulary.  I wish I didn't have to worry about things for the rest of my--and his--life.  I wish he didn't know what it was like to be gasping for air.  I wish he didn't have to grow up with this.  Oh, I wish it so SO MUCH.  I just want to protect him from all the meanies in the world.  I want to hold him close and keep him safe, but I have to let him go into the world.  I have to loosen the apron strings.  I'm just so terrified to do it.  I wish he could live carefree and eat cookies, and cheese sticks and gold fish crackers.

I wish I could keep my Allie Berry little. I wish I could snuggle her and love her for hours on end without interruption. I wish I could just sit and enjoy her sweet personality all day every day and still find the time to do what I have to around the house.  I wish I could bottle up her giggle and her words and hear her utter them over and over.  I also wish she'd stop flushing everything down the toilet. ;)

But life is crazy now.  I really do love it so much, but I miss everything at the same time.  I'm trying really hard to just live in these moments and enjoy it all while I can.  I try to put all the stressers in my life out of my mind so I can forget it while I breathe in and out every day and try to enjoy the moments.

I wish I were a better mom.

I wish I didn't worry all of the time.

I wish I was a better friend.

I wish I was more assertive.

I wish I wasn't such a bawl baby.

I wish my mom and dad could do it all for me.

Gosh.  It's so hard to be a grown up.