Bye bye, Baby, Blues

Now that my initial grieving is sort of passed, I guess I can open up the info to at least my blogging friends. I won't be posting it on facebook or anything, but I figure, if you're looking at this, it's because you care about us and what's happening in our lives. Besides, this is a family journal of sorts, so it really should be here.

I also want to give giant hugs and thanks to everyone who has been supporting us, the flowers, the thoughts, the prayers, the phone calls, the texts... I love you all so much. It makes me cry even now, just thinking about it. Thank you thank you thank you.

We found out we were expecting a new baby at our house in earlyish September. I went in for my first (8 week) appointment with my new midwives 3 weeks ago and was excited to tell everyone about it that night after we'd heard a heartbeat... only there was no heartbeat.

There was a wee little embryo, but no heartbeat. I looked at the screen and my breath caught in my throat as I thought, "Wait a minute, I don't see my little blinkie... where's my little blinkie?" I looked at the midwife waiting for her to confirm the inevitable. She said, "This looks like a miscarriage." I was too shocked to feel sad about it. My honest first reaction was, "Me? I'm having a miscarriage?" Then she proceeded to talk to me about what we do from here, it's not my fault, 1 in 4 or 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, blah blah blah. I appreciated her being so straighforward with me while trying to soothe me. I called BJ to tell him. When I got home he was so sullen, so sad. It was nice to know he was feeling something, at least, but I knew most of it would be my loss.

We did a few blood tests over the next few days just to make sure my HCG levels weren't going up. She said we may be a week or so off but in my head and my heart I knew it was over. We waited for 2 weeks after that first ultrasound to see if anything would start happening. I was still soooo sick, so lethargic and along with all of that typical pregnant stuff, I was so so sad. I was getting so frustrated. I can deal with it when there is something to get out of it, but this was just torture. I didn't want to cook, clean, take care of anything. I did the bare minimum.

My cousin Alexis just happened to show up on my doorstep the day before all of this started. She needed a place to stay a few days out of the coming weeks. I had no idea how much of a blessing she was about to be for me. She took care of everything while I tried to put on a front, talking a lot helps me deal with things. I wanted to go run 10 miles to get away from everything, but logically I thought, "Yeah right. This body? It's not in shape enough to run, I haven't been running for 10 years. Besides, physically and mentally, I'm so out of it right now." So I talked and I talked about anything and everything and Alexis was so good at just listening and being there. I'm so so grateful to her.

Last week BJ and I headed to the doctor to have one last ultrasound "just to make sure." It was super magnified and I could see the tiny little shrimp almost perfectly. No fluid going in and out, no heartbeat. It was just there. Up until this point BJ hadn't been with me going to the doctor's appointments. He actually decided at the last minute to go with me this time. He'd just left for school resource and called me just as I was walking out the door. I was so touched and grateful that he wanted to be with me. He wanted to be there for me. He was so cute walking with me all in uniform. Uncomfortable (physically anyway), but cute.

The baby was measuring at 6 1/2 weeks, but I was 10 weeks 5 days pregnant. A few short hours later, we were in the hospital getting prepped for my suction dnc. My midwife told us we could wait one more week if we wanted to see if it would start, but I couldn't do it anymore. I just wanted it to be over. I was once again so grateful to Heavenly Father because Alexis happened to be off work that whole week. She stayed with the kids that whole day. My mom came home from my sister's that night (she just had a baby boy).

I was so loopy after the surgery because of the anesthesia. I asked them for some Ibuprofen to stay on top of my pain and when the nurse brought it in, I immediately picked it up and plopped it into my cranberry juice. Then I looked up at the nurse and said, "where did my pill go?" lol. Yeah. It was interesting to say the least. I was doing all sorts of abnormally weird things (yes, I'm a little weird to begin with, but this was over the top.)

It really hit me a couple of days later. I cried and I cried for about 2 or 3 hours uncontrollably. I tried to stop myself, but I couldn't. Sobs just kept erupting from me and tears kept streaming. It was like a culmination of everything stressful at all in my life, Ethan's food allergies, My dad's death (yeah, people say time heals, they are all full of it), my husband working all of the time, my husband thinking about joining the Army National Guard... and then some. Just everything came pouring out of me in a physical sense. More blessings flowed because I am not the type that could do this alone, and my husband was there with me, letting me cry it out while he stroked my hair, my face... and put a blanket between my face and his shirt so he wouldn't get wet. lol (no that didn't bother me. Another cute quirky thing.)

After that things felt a little better and I feel better. I'm energetic and with it now. Quite hormonal, but my body is just trying to get back to normal. I just went from raging horses pregnant hormones to "Oh nope. Nevermind." so of course, I'm slightly hormonal. I feel like cooking and cleaning, though I decided to spend my time showing my living children how much I love having them with me. We've been playing non stop for a week. I love them so much.

My husband gave me a blessing yesterday and afterwards, I was sitting alone reading when all of the sudden I couldn't think of anything else but the miscarriage...and I had the strongest feeling that the spirit we had been expecting was still waiting patiently and excitedly to join us. This gave me such great comfort.
I should also mention that just before we conceived, I had an extremely strong impression that "It's not time for a new baby, just yet." We were planning on starting to try in January. I was very shocked to find out in early January that we were in fact expecting, though that memory kept coming back to me, and I had a pretty vivid dream that I miscarried before we found out. It's interesting how the spirit prepares us for such things.

I'm doing much better now, and am trying to move forward so I can be healthy as well as be there for other friends. I count myself fortunate as I look at other's lives and I marvel at their strength. I found out the day of my dnc that my friend, was having her 3rd miscarriage and that our stories were strikingly similar. I've been thinking about her a lot today since she had her surgery today, which probably prompted this post.

We also have some friends from BJ's work that just lost their baby today, only they were adopting. They'd gone in yesterday, held her, signed the papers, paid the money and today they went to pick her up but the mother had changed her mind. They went home with an empty carseat, to an empty nursery...again. It was devastating, especially since they'd suffered a huuuge loss last year when they were pregnant with their own little one and had to terminate the pregancy more than half way through it to save her (the mother's) life. Oh, I just want to cry so much. So many tears for so many losses. Here's to many new beginnings. I'm praying for each of you to have yours, too, whatever they may be.